collectif de cole

“To pretend, I actually do the thing: I have therefore only pretended to pretend.”
― Jacques Derrida

Fabrics of reality, no matter how interwoven, materialize into history. And when the mind converts the narratives into memory, the formatting of storage- its very packaging- creates the image of the moment. This can include branding, metanarratives, colors, etc.

In its most reduced form, time can be equated to an icon.

As any representation goes, reduction is necessarily problematic.

The day is March 14, 2020. It’s pi day, and as Google Photos often does, a series of images and their associated years pop up onto my dashboard.

• In 2017, I was in Mission Bay. A young intern, I had such little consideration for the future, and dismissed any value my day-to-day could potentially contribute to it. On March 8th, I got a ham and cheese morning bun and chances are, I ran to Neighbor Bakehouse for it. I apparently ended up at Jack London Square later on, that same day. I ended the day with Ateh Ashley and Etienne setting up his drone. March 9th, I spent the day with Sneha at the Berkeley Marina. It was the first time I had seen her that year. March 10th, I went hiking with Xue Xue at Las Trampas. It had rained two days prior, and the ground was muddy. After cleaning myself up, I went to Emma’s birthday party and picked up Dora balloons with Miss Amy. March 11th, I went to Casa de Chocolates( and coincidently also went today) to get tres leches cake.
• In 2018, I had very silver hair. On March 8th, I went to Timeless Coffee with Cherry. Later that night, Etienne, Madeleine, and I went to a Walk Off the Earth concert. It remains our favorite to date. Gianni and Sarah’s kids were dancing on the side of the stage which was adorable. We had pizza outside, and Shirley Temples inside. Since, Mike( the bearded guy) passed away suddenly. March 11th, I volunteered at the Exploratorium with Girls Driving for a Difference. I had an amazingly engaging cohort, and remain friends with Sofia from Alameda. She’s in high school now. Later that evening, I taught alongside Ateh Ashley for PeeWee. March 12th, Kuya came to have dinner with me in Berkeley. March 13th, I had dinner with Saabhir and Kaya who I’ve known since 8th grade. Saabhir and I continue to workshop our writings together. Later that evening, I went to CREAM with Inika, who is now studying in London for her Masters.
• In 2019, I had indigo hair. On March 8th, Etienne came to class with me for 103B with Professor Wong. She taught on Walter Benjamin, which Etienne was familiar with from a previous lecture with Professor Gutteriez. His wife, Professor Jones, continues to publish in the film world. I enjoy reading her critiques. That day, I had lunch with Harold and dinner with Cherry and Anna. The rest of the week was spent in the library, save for the 13th, when Etienne came to visit and had dinner with me.

The day is March 14, 2020 and we live amidst COVID 19. Wild times. Those projected to graduate at the end of the semester are experiencing a harsher landing, and after a conversation with my favorite GSI, Camila, I realize just how disruptive the pandemic is for students in particular. The performance of the student is being redone entirely. The learning format has digitized, with screens as the sole medium for communication. Engagement is at an all-time low, and where the mind should be focused, one can exist in pluralities at any given moment. 

/pænˈdɛmɪk/: a disease that spreads over a whole country or the whole world

I caught up with my research bb, Yilena, over dinner. She is also in her last semester, and  I’ve worked with her since her very first.

“How do you feel about it all?”

“I don’t know how to feel and I don’t think I feel very much, but I do find myself rationalizing, or at least, trying to make sense of it all instead of feeling.”

 

Strange as it may seem, this is the first time in months I’ve been afforded the space to reflect without the forcefulness of tragedy. Sleep has assisted me through the process of thought collection. Unfortunately, a bit of brain fog remains.

Nevertheless, today is significant on several accounts:

1) my siblings are absent

2) there’s a lot of new life popping out( hi @ ateh kat)

3) low-key disconnected from work

‘Low-key’ because I spoke to my work wife earlier today and we arrived to the topic of goals, more popularly referred to as New Years Resolutions due to the temporal pizzaz of the holiday season.

*man, i haven’t written in so long that i can’t even tell if this is my voice*

I don’t care much for the hype, but given the turn of the decade, I figured making a few resolutions couldn’t hurt. After discussing them for a bit with Liz, I concluded that the general theme for 2020 is conscientiousness.

le trace: 

Conscious Latin conscientia, knowledge within oneself

I think of the conscious as stemming from intention, with emphasis on the internal. Descartes refers to cartesian representation and recognizes intentionality as the logical following to reflection. The difficulty, here, is the difference between reality and objective reality, and their relationship to representation.

Spinoza( aka bae @ Ethics) moves to the concept of the moral conscious, a guided, structured conscious:

“Both insofar as the Mind has clear and distinct ideas, and insofar as it has confused ideas, it strives, for an indefinite duration, to persevere in its being and it is conscious of this striving it has.”

The conscious Spinoza progresses aligns more to Nietzsche’s will( to power, will to life, etc). I find this fascinating because in Thus Spoke Zarathustra, the overman, or Übermensch, makes no mention of morality and considering Nietzsche typically attacks morality, it is difficult to ignore the necessity of metaphysical and empirical( as the aforementioned cartesian planes) for agency or, dare I say, autonomy. We will return to this a bit later if I remember.

Human, as machine: the conscience is considered to be morally neutral

Conscientiousness is necessarily moral, as it requires belief.

Problem is, I don’t exactly subscribe to the conscience being driven by intuition/ private morality. Also, what is private morality if not morality in general? Why is there a separation? @ marnie pls enlighten

I kinda think it’s because consciousness requires reference, but idk if a blog post warrants a movement to the discourse of heuristics.

plug Gigerenzer quotes

• “An intuition is neither caprice nor a sixth sense but a form of unconscious intelligence.”
• “plans.” To be sure, illusions have their function. Small children often need security blankets to soothe their fears. Yet for the mature adult, a high need for certainty can be a dangerous thing. It prevents us from learning to face the uncertainty pervading our lives. As hard as we try, we cannot make our lives risk-free the way we make our milk fat-free.”

They say when you don’t know where to start, go to the beginning:

My senior year of high school, that one time I attended Cal High, I joined an invigoratingly intense club referred to as MUN. Model UN attracts a certain type of student, as it is an organized conglomerate of debaters who enjoy topics international in nature. Amongst the many strong personalities in the club was one junior who was often mistaken for a senior– Michelle Xue.

It took us a moment to hit it off, because we both have fairly dominating energies( I presume). But when we did, it was over our obsession with Nordstromrack.com. From there, we would talk during AP Stat’s tutorial, and would often laugh about the state of the classroom.

At the time, I played a lot of hooky, which doesn’t exactly make that one year of high school count but somehow, it counted for more than I bargained. Michelle would ask where I went, and I’d answer “to the City,” a place where San Ramonians didn’t really venture. Pi Day marked the first of our many adventures. We skipped school entirely and headed over to the Exploratorium, a place we both love. After, we ventured to find absolutely any and every staircase we could. We made it all the way to Japantown, and back into Downtown.

…….

One of the predominant stigma’s about High School is that once it’s over, you won’t see your friends again. Michelle shattered this notion entirely, despite her undergraduate attendance at Georgetown. Every single break, or random weekends she’d fly over, she would be sure to schedule a hike or brunch, or more often, both.

Out of the thousands of memories, I’ll recount four:

1.  Berkeley MUN Conference, 2014

Who even assigned us as roommates? Neither of us believed in sleep at the time, plus, it was a conference. We were there to grind. Friday night, we mostly worked on our resolutions and potential amendments for our respective committees. Saturday night, we, along with the rest of Cal High MUN, hiked up to Big C at midnight. After, Xue Xue and I went for a run through the Berkeley campus and landed at Thai Noodle II, where we laughed in our delirium until 2AM because back then, it was open late. Michelle was the most ecstatic over her rice plate.

2.   4AM Wake Up Call

Yes, we’ve come a long way from that fateful day when Xue Xue waited outside my house for over and hour and a half to wake up and go hiking at 4AM. Our record start time was 2AM this past summer(2019). And then, we did another starlight hike in August.

3.  Picnic @ Presidio

Our second-to-last hike was at our favorite route: Tennessee Valley. It’s a bit tricky, but practically entirely coastal, making it a gorgeous trek. We talked about everything, literally and virtually everything. About adulthood and our apprehensions, about our goals and ambitions, but also about how we know we’ll do well because of our ethics, and for me, because of my faith. Michelle talked about how excited she was to move to LA, literal blocks away from the beach and her new office. I was going to visit often, and we’d go surfing and then get stupid açaí bowls because we love them.

On our way home, we passed by The Presidio. Xue Xue packed a picnic, which if anyone knows, is my favorite pastime. Xue Xue packed some of my favorite cheeses, grapes, avocado, PB&J sandwiches, and other snacks.

4.  Home Hike

Our very last hike was at home, and by home, I mean Las Trampas’s Rocky Ridge trail. We’ve done this route hundreds of times, it feels. This last hike was our first time doing the trail before dawn. It was a Sunday morning, and I hadn’t slept much and had to be at church by 8. I left the house at 3, fatigued. Our walk up was serene. You talked about the Subaru you just got, and I was the first to ride in it with you. Once we got to the top of the ridge, we sat in silence. We sat in peace.

I’m not going to say “I miss you” because I’m still shaking and tears keep coming. But I have yet to fathom not seeing you again. You were so excited for life, and so grateful, and brilliant, and you were going to change the world. Thank you for always laughing hysterically with me, and for loving my peculiarities.

As I prayed before, I pray that I see you again.

Here’s the deal: Aging gracefully is a nice idea. In theory, one hopes to mobilize as a free agent in the world, gleaning from others, and collecting what is useful without the repercussions of removal, disconnect, or release. Temporality assigns each movement to a chronology, permitting an order and developing a notion of progress, or at least provides a representation of advancement, hence aging. The spatial component is where grace comes in.

Grace, as defined by the Oxford dictionary, is “smoothness and elegance of movement.” The second definition says, “courteous good will.” The third definition is a Christian one; it goes as “the free and unmerited favour of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.”

1. the aesthetics of grace suggests beauty, but it is dynamic in practice and fluid in nature. emphasis on “in nature” because beauty is natural( pristine vs corrupt dichotomy). elegance draws its power from its simplicity. therefore, grace is not complex. one might argue that there is a positive correlation with simplicity and power that is to say intricate the image of grace is, the less powerful grace can be.
2. the ethical dimension of grace consists of a morality which is why it must be good. as a form of governance, the will plays ( as Nietzsche might say) to power, or as I aforementioned, a motivation to drive or stimulate progress. the courteous bit just means polite and/or respectful which is nice to have as opposed to rude and/or disrespectful forms of governance. how could that even be considered gracious?
3. it might be strange to attempt to classify the Christian definition. it might be safer to just label it as “Christianity” but I am leaning towards metaphysics, or Christian metaphysics if you must categorize it. the Oxford dictionary is missing an important part of God’s grace. it is His love for the sinner that makes grace possible. you see, love, more specifically, Agape, is a prerequisite for grace.
   • human logic: favour/pleasure/good/right determines what can deserve love. it is conditional, entirely, and based on faulty reasoning because of human error
   • agape (ἀγάπη) is the standardized referent for love in the New Testament. it is a selfless, giving, non-emotional love—as opposed to the friendship love of philia (φιλία). non-emotional can also be understood as non-conditional, or unconditional. the distinction between philia and agape is stark.

 

Phew, that was a long introduction. NOW WE BE TALKIN BOUT PHILIA, OKAY?

We, the people, the sinful, complicated, annoying, flawed humans, cannot exercise proper grace without the filling of the Holy Spirit. Dis is why i said it’s gonn be metaphysics bc that’s pretty meta. We can love(the homie love), or love( the sexy love)but we cannot love(the overwhelming, never-ending love)unless we accept God’s love.

did not intend on this. i was gonna go off on a rant but now i’m convicted. whoops.

 

It’s July 10, 2019. The bulk of celebrations are over. The density of the calendar is tapering, and by that I mean there are only 1-2 things scheduled per day instead of 3-5. This past Saturday, we celebrated graduation with over 130 of our friends and family.

The funny thing about graduation parties is that.   is that.   is that?   I don’t know. It was going to go somewhere and then I realized there wasn’t much that is funny about them particularly because I saw it as an event that would bring people I care about together and in the process, it became some big production and while the party itself was happening, gifts began to appear. I am thankful for gifts, truly. I just didn’t really anticipate them because I was more focused on food & fellowship.

The pile was pretty big tho

Mi madre didn’t let us open them all on Saturday because we were pretty tired from cooking/cleaning/ setting/ prepping, and since Sunday’s & Monday’s are fairly busy, my brother and I finally sat on the couch and went through the gifts on Tuesday. After Etienne’s physics lecture, we began to read cards and write down what came from who.

Okay, I found the funny part(maybe, kinda): as much of a nerd as I am, I only received one book. +1 ‘funny’ points, I actually love this book. It’s not written by some lofty theorist, but it is definitely profound in its concepts. Each page features one very simple sentence… and it has pictures!

“I Wish You More” by Amy Krouse Rosenthal & Tom Lichtenheld is a book that holds elementary-style wishes that, in my expert opinion, adults tend to devalue especially in the competitive world that is the bay area, and particularly in cultures where ambition is the preeminent characteristic of what “success” might look like.

Pointing to the title, it’s not that more is envious of less. It is a more of ‘x’ than ‘y’. I suppose it might be simpler to imagine the following. “I” can see from above. “You” is planted in a context. “You” has a disposition. “You” can often get caught up with the structures and visualizations of a liminal space. “You” will be enticed to take more(x) than you give(y).

“I wish you more give than take.”

This goes against exactly what a capitalistic society intends. Here, the threat of less pressures to take.

Take anything. Everything. Until there is no more. Then what?

Actually, my favorite line says, ” I wish you more pause than fast-foward.” +5 “funny” points because the person that gave it to me has a lot of fast-forward all the time, it seems. Love you!

You know who also wishes me more? Taco Bell.

Live mas

 

 

 

I just turned-in my very last paper of undergrad and as I hit the submit button on b courses, my eyes watered for the first time this semester. Perhaps, for the first time this entire academic year.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to feel but for the past while, I had to be entirely logical and strategic to attempt to stabilize this abstract thing otherwise known as a future.

This is not my right, nor my responsibility. This act is part of my humanity and technology. To mechanize is to remove ones-self from the emotional context, but the ability to succumb to this is driven by natural, flawed instinct.

We aim to control what appears chaotic, what is God-given, and tame what would otherwise be perfection. We compartmentalize and organize and rationalize with every ounce of energy we have. For what? To exercise the little power we have so we can overcome feeling threatened in a moment of flux.

How absolutely ridiculous.

It’s wasteful to actively seek control to govern what is created by and subject to The Almighty. We are called to love, and to become loving. Because God is love and those identify with Christ are to be ambassadors of love.

Pero like especially in a world of hate like why are we like this.

________________

My last paper was difficult. I knew exactly what I wanted to say but resisted the conglomeration of ideas. A few ideas as to why because I am not entirely satisfied with its production…

1. it’s the last one so naturally, i resist the reality of it being the signal of the finitude of my undergraduate academic experience. ugh ok so that means denial, basically.
2. it’s on Nietzsche and Wagner, so it exemplifies a lot of projections on people in my life that have been difficult for the past x amount of months and since we haven’t resolved things in real life, i’m attempting to reconcile two genius’s. dumb.
3. i turned in my thesis on Monday and have run out of energy to think and produce thought, thus, i cannot write properly or even construct a basic argument. getting warmer?
4. i have a final from 8-11AM tomorrow and that is a form of cruelty that will mark my last final ever ever everrrrrrrr AND i have to pick up TWO blue books for it. lame excuse.
5. being almost done isn’t fun because everything is happening fast and everything is a lot of things. rude but true.

I think that’s about it.

In truth, I absolutely love what I wrote about and my heart is very much in what I study. It results in work that I am not so much proud of but am earnestly present in. And to know that I’ve grown through it is a testament to the skill that has trained me.

I’ll miss my faculty and friends in both departments. We all have visions of improving the passive societies enhanced by technological mediums. We know that we can’t stop thinking because that’s when we fail and succumb to the systems that control us so well.

_____

Under philosophy, I hope to continue reading and learning on what currently interests me. I’ve been obsessed with semiotics so, it seems practical to become fluent in semantics and pragmatics. At that rate, I might very well pursue linguistics independently. Could be fun.

I’ll definitely be re-reading all the texts I’ve gone over the past few years. I am quite possibly beginning to memorize Simulation and Simulacra by Jean Baudrillard, Limited Inc by Jacques Derrida, Adorno’s Negative Dialectics, Nietzsche’s Untimely Meditations, and Marx’s German Ideology, & Warner’s Publics and Counterpublics. For now, I’m at least conversational in the lexicon’s developed by The Frankfurt School’s school of Critical Theory.

It’s not sad. I’m not a doomed nihilist.

I’m hopeful that learning won’t stop.

For that, I am excited.

 

as the title suggests, i’ll be writing more about the conclusion of this chapter of life. my department graduations are not until next wednesday so that will serve as a more official, ceremonial ending.

 

Wilbur: I didn’t know you could lay eggs.

Charlotte: Oh yes. I’m versatile.

Wilbur: Does versatile mean “full of eggs”?

Charlotte: [chuckling] Certainly not.

Versatile means I can turn with ease from one thing to another.

Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White

On any given day, practically every day, I’ll find myself subject to a plethora of environments. Each spot has the potential to be very different. And usually, the differences are quite distinct. Painfully so, it seems. No matter what I outfit I sport, I tend to carry a blazer. A emblem of professionalism, the blazer manages to leave me looking “put together”. Obviously, it’s not always appropriate and not always safe simply because it elevates. So, I combat its pretentiousness with a t-shirt or leggings, or both.

But is this versatility?

I first read Charlotte’s Web in the second grade. Miss Tsang took the time to emphasize White’s utilization of vocabulary to characterize Charlotte. Often, readers get caught up with Wilbur and overlook Charlotte. Pity cuz he baaaaaaaad. On the other hand, Charlotte exercises patience, educates, and beautifully maintains her strength as an individual. She is tiny and mighty. Yes, she saves Wilbur but all her efforts towards her cause exhaust her. Like any mortal, Charlotte falls to her fate: she dies. I remember getting to that chapter, curling into a ball, and crying.

The truth of versatility is that it requires not only an ability but an energy. The production of adaptation is one of the aesthetic: the appearance of flexibility. Versatility’s most marketable trait is its ease. This ease behaves as a prerequisite to an appearance, and thus, exemplifies into what I would deem as Charlotte’s grace. But thisease, this malleability, behaves as an oil might as an agent tries to adapt between structures and models. Think about a skeleton and a nervous system. Muscle binds them together but in order for the body to have optimal functionality as a unit, the body must exercise. That is to say, adaptation is possible but not effortless.

Functionality is not all that glamorous, so why is Charlotte’s versatility so much more?

TBH I think it’s cuz she has a cause. Suddenly, this attachment to purpose makes her agility an effort of nobility. It is that she is more than herself. It is that she gives herself.

This is the part where I mention that she doesn’t lose herself. And this is the part where I start talking about Imposter Syndrome(DUN DUN DUNNNNN).

How’s that for a transition?

If you’re unsure of what Imposter Syndrome is, it is exactly what is sounds like. I think of the Prince and the Pauper. Returning to the aesthetic, Imposter Syndrome results from the disconnect of the appearance of identity and the experience of identity, such that the imagination can conjure up a picture of the self and it be an ignorant depiction of reality.

Basically, it’s not true.

As pictures go, context matters. It is much easier, much simpler, to identify when one is contextually familiar, or grounded. So, when there are various scenarios, more energy and effort must be expended, thus resulting in (oh, I don’t know) tiredness. When unaddressed, this repercussion can escalate to fatigue. For the self to be fully present in the experience, full adaptation( including education) is required. And yo, it is A LOT.

A common skill( hahahhahahaha does it even count as a skill) that adapters have is CODE SWITCHING. And please, I am not going into this to be trendy cuz I ain’t about this life. Growing up, I learned multiple languages so, the application of living, translating, and expending thought in more than one language is a more literal form of codeswitching. But today, I am referring to social codeswitching. Growing up, I was also exposed to and integrated( sometimes, forcibly) into different cultures. This is not limited to cultures of ethnic groups but also extends religious culture(oyyy vey). Now, between the bajillion cultures I’ve navigated through, it’s an abolute miracle I haven’t drowned…

Especially when these communities seem to be monotonous and traditional.

But yo, I’ve been code-switching up the yin-yang since birth. And I’m tired. But, recognizing my cause, my purpose & calling, I realize and re-energize by knowing that it isn’t for me per se. It seems so far away but I am grounded in my identity through my faith and respect the impact that I hope I help make on the future.

 

 

Charlotte doesn’t fall to her fate; she rises to it.

 

/// Happy Birthday Buni. I miss you.

PS I’m not pre-med

 

I made a spreadsheet to map out the number of recorded hours that I will be singing this week. Between all the different times, and locations, I figured Excel could be of service. I might be overwhelmed by it but regarding Beethoven’s 9th, I am simply excited.

Prior to this week, it’s been a lot of sight-reading, counting, and spot-checking. Last night was the first night the choruses combined under the great direction of our visiting Maestro Masur. He’s a dynamic, charismatic, and humorous conductor. He made the time fly until past 9 PM.

This morning, I listened to the 4th movement under a new light: I wasn’t trying to find my notes. Instead, I was listening for the words.

It’s in German- a language I have yet to learn- and is written, for the most part, Allegro and Presto. These dynamics practically inject each syllable with energy. Surprisingly, there is no Vivace written in. However, there is a part that is Adagio. I find this to be interesting and extremely effective of the great Ludwig. cuz contrast duh.

Wait. I was talking about the lyrics, no?

Like I said, B9 is written in German and taken from Fredrich Schiller’s poem, Ode to Joy. Many believe that it is the music and the composer are what makes it distinct and renown. After all, it is Beethoven’s last and, arguably, greatest work. I think it’s actually the words that fuel the majestic piece.

https://www.thoughtco.com/beethovens-ode-to-joy-lyrics-history-724410

My boi Schiller means more to me than ever before. This is mostly because I am taking a course on the aesthetics of political theory and after internalizing Kant’s lexicon grounded in aesthetic judgment, we moved on to Schiller’s disruptive introduction of the play drive. As I re-read Ode to Joy, the spirit of Schiller’s playfulness provides me with the context that( i feel) is necessary to grow in appreciation for B9 as an epic composition, compelling- urging, demanding- joy.

That’s not to say B9 doesn’t have its own traditional value because it does both on its own and within my family.

DAS RIGHT; IT’S PERSONAL

Mama sang it with her chamber chorus back in the day. To say that this doesn’t feel full circle would be a lie. I shall now return to memorizing the piece so I can look up at my Maestro and be accountable for cut-offs and phrasing cues.

cheers to Thursday

 

ps i was in a daily cal article LOL I FEEL SPEH SHULL

pss i had dinner with my old research boss who is cool and very hilarious

bonus story: i needed a black, 1 inch, 3 hole BLACK binder for B9. she offered me her extra white binder and suggested that I spraypaint it black.

see heaven’s got a plan for you

^{Philippians 4:6} Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.⁷ And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.⁸ Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

One year ago, I was in London after spending the semester in Europe. While I have visited many times prior, it was my first time living abroad. About ten countries were hit during that five month span. It was surreal.

Truthfully, I didn’t want to go. You can ask anyone and everyone. I threw a fit, tantrums even. I thought I’d be leaving things, people, behind. It boiled down to mi madre saying she couldn’t look at me without seeing a ball of stress. And while it can be argued that many needed a break from me, I also needed a break from the many and muchness. I was overwhelmed.

After we returned, my mom decided to kick my butt. In doing so, she managed to push me to challenge God and grow my faith. Last summer, I worked fifty hours between two internships in two cities, commuted for twenty hours, took two classes, and headed up a project. God saw me through with accolades and grades. It was fantastic. In proving Himself, I knew it was time I dealt with the transfer application process. I had avoided this previously, despite being able to through the fulfillment of requirements. I was simply scared and had little to no faith that God would take care of me.

I began working on this monstrosity in August. It was pathetic, the writing I tried to pass off to others. I wasn’t until November when I was spending hours and days and nights on the thing. It took hours of introspection, tears, and reflection.

To the people that chose to be involved, I am ever grateful.

Mama, I don’t know what to say. You’ve had love and patience for me since I was born. I know I’ve been particularly difficult but I love you. Thanks for being my number one fan and the fire under my butt. Reba, thanks for being sensitive. I’ll be there for you and beyond when you go through this process. You’re a rock and the friend that sticketh closer than a brother. We ain’t parting yet. Caits, man. God gave us some serious grace. I’m glad you dropped out. I’m glad we, three, grew closer because of it. I know our faith has been stretched and we’re weary but now is the time. Let’s do some damage. Etienne and Madeleine, being a community college student gave me the bandwidth to appreciate you more than before and every single adventure we’ve had together, the six AM hikes before A period, the city walks at eleven PM on Saturday nights, being stuck in traffic and singing our hearts out, those moments were and are irreplaceable. You are the coolest, most captivating, unique, and talented people I know and as your sister and chauffeur, I am honored to have been given this time with you. Grampa and Kooya Jakes, as my older siblings, your support has sustained me. You weren’t as vocal because you knew that your opinions would annoy me( I APPRECIATE THAT) and you prayed. Marnie and Carise( habibi), y’all stayed up with me four AM just to talk things out and to develop thoughts. And not just one night but for multiple. How could you even listen for that long much less, attentively and critically? You responded with thought-provoking questions and forced me into uncomfortable spaces. You both reassured me and listened to my anxieties. Habibi, thanks for being in my court. You’ll make a great mama.

And so, I waited.

On April 28, 2017, at 4:04 PM, the decisions came in.

But I wasn’t home and neither was Caits.

Around 5/5:30, Etienne, Caitlin, and I were praying on my living room couch( the really comfy, Japanese one). I had no idea how to access the portal and realized that maybe, just maybe, during senior year, I never hit submit on the application because I truly had no idea how to check the application status update. Caits sent me the link and we opened it. We didn’t have to read anything because the colorful confetti moved over the ‘Congratulations’ and we called our moms. It was eerily calm. At least, we were. Our mom’s screamed over the phone. Auntie Wendy asked if I got in and Mama asked if Caits got in. By God’s grace, we were able to say yes.

We kept it pretty quiet. If you went on Facebook that day, I’m sure you saw all the announcements but Caits was considering UCSD and I was waiting for Boston U. When we announced our acceptance, later that evening, to #FAMSQUAD, it was pretty anticlimactic.

Caits made her decision first. Last Thursday, I got her a Cal chem shirt and sweatshirt so she could wear them while she SIR’d. Friday morning, I received my acceptance from BU and was ecstatic. Friday night, I heard from my back-up school and didn’t relay the information because lol #nothanks. I didn’t sleep that night. It wasn’t because I was pondering over the decision but rather, a bunch of us were having a sleepover to hike the next morning. We didn’t sleep.

Saturday was insanely busy and for the first time, that afternoon, I had a moment of quietness. Ironically, it was on BART which was absolutely chaotic because there was no service between Fruitvale and West Oakland which left everyone frantic. But I was weighing my lists, the pro’s and con’s. In my limited vision, Boston has more pro’s.

Today, I SIR’d to Cal. I have reasons, sure. However, my decision was made because God gave me peace about it and because it is right. That might not make sense- people say “do what you want to do” and “do what’s best for you”- but what’s best for me is to do what’s right.

This decision was the right decision.

 

 

I remember that up until rather recently, whenever I heard a lesson or message on the Israelites, I’d think about how dumb they are for not trusting God for the best and taking things into their own hands i.e. when Joshua and squad visited #thepromisedland and the losers were like “nah we can’t divide and conquer because they are way too cool” and then God was like ” oh yea? well, now you’re never going to see it.” Why wouldn’t they trust God? They had seen so many miracles, and yet, this one challenge seemed too big. And me, let’s say sub-18 years, knew better. Why?

Because I had true, pure, child-like faith.

Here’s the deal-io yo. I got somewhat educated. My friends start looking like they have some control over their lives( the facade and sheen of looking put together and having your ducks in a row). I acquired some means of logic and common sense( hah, yea right).  I’ve experienced the limitations of life aka I’ve lived a short while.

I’ve broken down life and faith to a science. It’s a process document. If I do XYZ, by logic, the “then” must occur. The then is a nice guarantee. It’s cushy. And it’s a fallacy.

Only that’s not how God works. He has the best in store and if we, humans in our infinite knowledge and wisdom( pls note sarcasm), think we have absolutely anything to do with the nonsense of making decisions, ok, think that and then you’ll never know what blessings you’ve missed out on.

I’m preaching to myself, of course. A friend of mine and I are at a sensitive time( LOL SPEAKING OF EDUCATION). The difference is that she has to pick between ivy’s and I have to stay alive until I get to pick( or just drop out lol bye). Seemingly, one would automatically have opinions of her current situation because it’s seems luxurious. I hate to break it to you. It isn’t. And as for me, I’m trying to take it one day at a time because if I have a moment to spare, that’s where my mind will wander: the possibilities of total and utter rejection( my mind is a dark place).

^{2 Corinthians 10:2}But I beseech you, that I may not be bold when I am present with that confidence, wherewith I think to be bold against some, which think of us as if we walked according to the flesh. ³For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: ⁴(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) ⁵Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; ⁶And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled. is Christ’s, even so are we Christ’s.⁷Do ye look on things after the outward appearance? If any man trust to himself that he is Christ’s, let him of himself think this again, that, as he is Christ’s, even so are we Christ’s. ⁸For though I should boast somewhat more of our authority, which the Lord hath given us for edification, and not for your destruction, I should not be ashamed:

Adults, thanks for working so hard to look so nice( verse 7). Instead, be real and transparent with your daily challenges. No individual is perfect( pls introduce if you think someone is; looking at any chick or dude that is infatuated with someone and blinded) and maybe some kid is looking at you, with your choices and edits, thinking they can do the same if they simply take the reigns.

I’m not saying live like a wreck and don’t have a plan or work hard or be complacent. No way. But sometimes God wants to keep us in one spot. Sometimes Twitter makes an offer and you know it’s not the right time for you. Sometimes He wants us to move. He wants us to move right out of our comfort zone so we can totally rely on Him and His goodness and rest in His love.

#staywokefam

And for those who are authentically thriving in God’s will, continue.

Because i c u